Recently, I've decided to stop my medication as it's making my mood normal/stable and boring which is worse than depression for me. I want my mania back, and hallucinations. After an hour of mania, follows days of depression, unfortunately. But that 1 hour of mania makes up for the depression, for however long it lasts. I haven't yet gone around jumping on peoples cars or anything, although when I'm manic, I really want to, but I have a little voice saying don't be stupid. I want rid of that voice. When I was in school and not on meds I would happily have gone around with a cigar and a sombrero etc. Last year I left college due to my mood being very unstable, and I was later sent to a psychiatric ward for trying to top myself. Now, I'm going back to college this year and I don't want to have to leave again because of this, but the need to do the things I feel I need to is too great to ignore, but sometimes I really say to myself when I think about starting college or doing my photography, "this is it now! You're going to be normal!". But an hour later I'm trying to fly or stop time, or think the tv people are trying to send me messages ahah. And everyone seems to think I'm taking drugs, which is the sad thing, trying to explain the "illness" is a long and tedious job, which at the end they still don't understand with comments like "so you enjoy trying to kill yourself?" or "you'll grow out of it in a few years".
So, is there anyone else that are stuck between having these mood swings, or trying to have a "normal" stable mood? I know which I'd rather have.