I have become something hard... something cruel.... something that I cannot even look at because it's not even me. I have become so isolated and so focused on one thing that I seem to have forgotten...one thing...and that is...me.

I have become a perfectionist. Someone that wants everything a certain way... and I still have not yet figured out what that certain way is... maybe I don't who I am... because maybe you cut my insides... maybe you watched my blood flow down and keep on going.........just like the little dots I type...... you watched my blood.... my guts falling out. Maybe I am the you I am talking.

I have become someone that doesn't take pain head on. I wait for it to go away. I keep it in the back of my mind and just leave it there... I surround myself by people and homework and more things to do... and I don't cry. I don't let myself. I think of excuses. I don't want anyone to see me. I can't right now. I have work to do. Maybe I have to stop running, take a breather, drink a glass of water... but I can't right now... finals... school... regents... but hey, there's always summer to take away the pain. And I am in a lot of it... I am in a lot of pain. And no one sees it... and in a way... I'm thankful for that.

I have become a person with no heart... nothing but my future on my mind... not the present. I should pay attention and I know I should... I am aware... and yet I do nothing. I should care about my relationships with other people... I should care about my birthday coming up... I should cry and try to get over it, but I don't. I move with the ragingly fast traffic to get away... and I keep on wishing that I could continue these good things that I do and try to be at least a little bit sympathetic... but I try to get away... all because I have become a person with no heard, a perfectionist, someone that doesn't take pain head on, something hard... a very hard exterior.